Conan Exiles Chronicles – The Road to the Frozen North is Paved in Blood (my own)

Conan Exiles Chronicles – The Road to the Frozen North is Paved in Blood (my own)

Oh man, how did I get here? Wow, is it ever hot. I’m not going to last long under this baking sun, I need to find water. I probably should find some clothes while I’m at it. I’m no Doctor but I’m guessing a sunburn while being totally nude is not going to be a fun proposition. The river appears to be to the north, time to get moving. Geez, I’m thirsty, oh hey look it’s a giant bat eating someone, eh no time to find out what that’s all about.

After trudging north for some ways I can finally see the river and with no time to spare, I’m going to die of thirst any second. Crap, is that a cliff, damn look at all those monsters and mean looking folks around that bonfire. No time for that now, just gotta jump down this cliff and drink and worry about them later. Thud! Fade to black…

What the? How did I end up back in this desert again? Did someone give me a Mark of Acheron tramp stamp after I jumped down that cliff? No time to ponder the why, I still need water, back towards the river. I was far more careful at the cliff this time, the water is straight ahead! Just a few more feet to get that water….oh my god what is that hideous thing….ahhhhh… Fade to black again…

Seriously not cool, this desert again? Bah, over the cliff this time, past the heinous looking monsters and finally to fresh water. Damn, I’m hungry and still naked and I could probably use a bed. Let’s go grab some stuff off these plants and try and make myself some clothes and a bed. Ewww, there’s a bunch of bugs all up in this plant. Oh wait, I could probably eat those huh. Yeah, as gross as I thought and not very filling but better than nothing. I’ve also finally managed to stitch myself together some pants and a bed. That rock over there by the river looks like some decent shelter.

Oh, hey look some locals are coming over to welcome me, hope the brought some food, I’m starving. *WHAM* *BAM* *KAPOW* ugh, not cool. At least I woke up on my new bed, hey what are the neighbors still doing here…ooof ouch, hey quit it…Fade to black. NOT THIS DAMN DESERT AGAIN! They told me not to get black-out drunk at the bars in Khemi, but did I listen? Nooooo and now I’m groundhog daying it in this damn desert over and over, oh well this time I’ll plan better. HEY, WHO STOLE MY PANTS!

Ok, screw that river and the weirdo’s that hang out around it, I made myself more pants and a new bed and found this cool oasis while I’m at it. Plus the turtles around here are pretty easy to kill and cook up for some grub, if you don’t mind turtle meat that is. Maybe I should think about building a real place now that I got the basics covered, right after I go and pet that nice dog over there. Here doggie doggie, who’s a good boy….oh Ymir not again! Fade to black.

Lesson learned, totally not a dog, nothing is friendly, not even that giant turtle coming this way, not the face, not the face Fade to Black. Weapons, what I need this time is weapons and pants again, how the hell did that turtle take my pants? Screw those turtles and funny sounding dogs, I’m gonna put some sharp pointy rocks on these here tree branches, that will show ’em. Several minutes later…wait holy crap I’m still alive and still have my pants on. That’s it I’m building a home here, right next to this here mountain by an oasis. I’ll get me a proper bed now too, crap only enough for walls on 3 sides, eh, no worries. No one will come in here and it will all be safe in these wooden boxes I made. Time for a well earned non-dirt nap.

The Next Morning… Dammit! Who stole all my stuff, there were countless animal hides in there and like a year supply of meat. Clearly my dream house was built in a bad neighborhood. Time to scout ahead for a better spot, I’ve heard rumors of a place they call The Frozen North. Seeing as this spot is pretty much hell on earth I could do with a little cooler climate, northward ho! Oh hey look, a Rhino….aaaaaaahhhhhh! Fade to black.

To be Continued….


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